Naw, a Rythym is for dancing.

I don't want an identifiable rhythym. I want an erratic pulse that you can see from the moon. (Or maybe I want to be on the moon, or be the moon--I should have been an astronaut). I realize, now, why I didn't want to come to Spain in the first place, what was so not understandibly undesirable about the who position and the whole situation. That is rhythym. That is lifestyle. Here I am working essentially from 6 to 3 at a job that A.) I don't particularily enjoy, and B.) doesn't particularily seem to make good use of having me there. AND FOR WHAT. That big, working class question, when jobs are unfulfulling but take up a lot of our time and are supposed to be a good (pro)portion of our "reason". My life's become docile, and tries to be organized and tame and kind to the world. I try to stay in my place and put together all the little pieces of the thing that people call "everyday life": some patterned, barely audible thing that makes me feel like I'm not human, in the delicious sense of the word.
And this is what I didn't want!! Yes, I know that I can make my life anything that I want it to be, yes yes yes ys and that's why I came here in the first place, don't you get it??? I could make this outrageously blossoming couldron of craziawesomenss with my Granadian life outside of work, but, god, I'd hate to have to make my life, LIFE, and my LIFE, outside of work. Even if I have good things outside of work, I A.) don't want to have to surrender to the "I'm just getting through the day/just doing this to make money", because I'm NOT. I didn't come to Spain to live that kind of thing, and B.) I don't make nearly enough to "suck it up". Things would be different if I was working in a field I was interested in, or curious about!!! I wonder how these other Auxiliars do it. Are they just more interested in it than I am, are they just sucking it up, are they not in tune, did they just come here to work a whatever job and then party with the rest of their left over money, does everyone else feel like they *have left-over money? How do they have left-over money????
And if YOU, yes, YOU, have a job you don't like, how do you get through the day, the month, the year, how do you talk to yourself about life? I mean, I will tell you it's one thing if you're working a semi-shitty job and you're making a ton of money (ie. many waitressing gigs I've had. And at least there are so many gap-filling unexpected moments). When I've been in that position in the past, it is definately justifiable because you feel that you are at least working hard for something, right? When I was waitressing this summer I didn't particularily like that gig, but I knew I was working to make money to travel.
But what's more, and of primary importance is that "I am living a regular patterned life", which I'm not trying to hate on, necessarily, in theory, it's just that I DON'T WANT THAT right now. I want to live a kind of life that I've never lived before. I don't want to have a gym and to have to go grocery shopping and go out only on weekends and run errands, and blah blah blahblbllllll. I don't even want to walk on city streets right now.
So it's that I'd either like to be living a like, patterned life, but committing my time to something I'm interested in or care about, or I'd like to be experimenting with putting myself into a whole 'nother thing that I've NEVER EVER experienced before, like olive picking. I want something to put my in another place, throw me out of orbit, teach me about life in a different way, and not just by presenting me with new knowledge, but by consuming me, pulling me in, by making me do and experience and literally, every second, actively be a part of a different world, a different way of life, people committing their time and energy to something that I'd never really considered I'd committ my time and energy to. 'Comes back to the same old thing, thoughts and urges I was having at the begining of all of these blog entries: project, purpose, hard work. Uhhh, where is it? I don't see it.
AND ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANTEST THINGS OF ALL OF THIS. Look, I AM TWENTY-THREE. I should not be wasting my time doing anything that I don't like. End of story. These are the most precious years of my life (any years. any years before you). Whoa.
Look, I met these girls last night who'd just come from a full season of picking olives in some tiny town in Spain and they said it was such hard work, that they had no idea what they were getting themselves into, but they loved getting up and working from 7-2, working hard, being physically exhausted but feeling like they really accomplished. And they got to live a type of life they never thought they'd actually get to live in the capacity that they did. This reminded me of all these things. The girls were high-school and college graduates. Two of 'em biked the Camino de Santiago beforehand. One of those two biked in southern France with her bf be*fore the Camino. And I was like what - the - fuck - am - I - doing?. whathefuckamidoing. Seriously.
I have, thus, appropriately, put a hault on buying things for my room (which I moved into yesterday), getting a gym membership, getting private health insurance, blahblahblahblahblah, and instead, I am going to focus on some writing, planning a trip during winter break, and thinking thinking thinking. I will buy a yoga mat, meditate daily, hike up to the ALhambra tomorrow, go to the mountains this weekend, and have long talks with Daniel about the future, and purpose, and cats. Goodnight.