Diving Deeper

Two candles flicker by my bedside and I wonder how much longer it will be until the next candle-flickering bedside moments in my life will ever happen. Base-less, intention-less, homeless for months means few times of comfort. Tonight (and today) under the stress of more preparations that inevitably abuse my precious bank account (buying like 1,000,000 things), the unnecessary freak-me-out (for Kevin: freakmeowt) over preparation that formalized travel calls for (felt whilst browsing so many travel books)—and then my realization that, oh, I’ve done NONE of this—and then all of this drama with my computer (which really freaks me out because setting up a computer overwhelms the hell out of me). Put all of that on top of waking up on the wrong side of the bed—tired and head full of some rather unpleasant dreams—and the emotional stress of leaving and ending and the need to prepare for loneliness (a good thing, perhaps, for this clinically social girl), and you’ve got yourself my day, the weird way that I ended it, and the strange things that I must have done and said. Anyhow, here I am, and, after talking to Marie, my mom, Kevin, and myself, I have this to say (to myself and to you):
· I am leaving not to leave things but to find things. Thus I leave nothing bad and everything good, which means it will be hard, but beautiful. Finding things is hard and painful, too, because this process of goodbye and then easing into unsure waters is not always the most comfortable task. There are times in my life when I find this thrilling, however, and I have no idea if this will be one of those times. Additionally, I am beginning to enter the transitional stage,


and this stage is awkward, like puberty: awkwardly in between, unwelcome, unfitting, unclear, but absolutely necessary. Para crecer.
· Money – this stresses me out like no other. Money will be spent in Europe. I must spend to survive. I must travel wisely and economically, but not get an ulcer because I am burning cash. Additionally, and Sophie knows I’ve learned this, being a stickler with money is good and necessary, but you must also take care of yourself and taking care of yourself might call for money to be spent. If so, let it be spent. It will keep be happier and healthier, keep me going for longer, and help me enjoy the experience, keep the good.
· In similar vein, I need to chill. I have actually been really chill all summer and suddenly this stressfulness has come back over me. I feel like I have to be really in control right now in order to step my foot on to the plane and plop myself into the great unknown. I feel like I have to be together in order to plunge into madness. I don’t know if that’s the best way to go, but I feel it’s wise; it’s what my Self is telling my self to do (I think it is in that order..?).


Ideas for blogging:
-thinking of reading either one philosopher or one novel from each country while in the country and then commenting on it/(inevitably) incorporating it into my life and such.
-Al and I were talking about doing a “Europe in 3 weeks on 1000” kind of schpeal
-something more personal
-something universal (ultimately more marketable)

I like the literature theme. It is me and it is delish. Also, how about recounting all the characters I meet, daily, and taking a photo of every important person I meet? Maybe I could have a travel journal where everyone I meet writes a very short note, or contributes a drawing or something to it. Sure, it’s been done, but every thing has (duh).